I never did look for the letter again. Had I lost it or even accidently thrown it away? I would never know if the words she wrote were exactly what I remembered, because I knew it didn’t matter. I had a dream that night that cleared everything up and left me with a deep sense of peace. I realized that I would never need to find the letter and that I would never show it to my sister. It did not matter what words were written on the paper! All that needed to be said or understood between my Mother and I had been conveyed over time in an energy and knowing that was invisible, more real and pervasive than anything that could ever be put into words on a piece of paper. The letter was just a symbol of the deep understanding of the relationship, bond, learning, pain, love, acceptance, gratitude and forgiveness that had been there in that relationship between my Mother and me.
I knew that the letter had failed to say two of the three phrases I had longed to hear. It had not said, “I am sorry” or “thank you”, but I knew that I heard and understood those feelings and those words in what she had written. It had said, “I love you!” This had never been easy for Mom to say or show, but she had taken to saying it often in her last couple years of life. It was important to hear and I had started to believe it and was able to say it back without thinking too much about the past.
I knew that she understood that I had forgiven her and that I realized she had given me gifts even in the worst of times that made me stronger and better. I realized that she had been both my strength and my weakness and that we had learned compassion from one another --- so many lessons born from a journey that had been difficult, painful and very human! It was on that day and with that realization that I knew I was fully ready to be myself and trust myself. I would never again struggle with the past or wonder who I was.
A weight had been lifted and I was lighter, more joyful, even blissful, in a way I had not remembered feeling since I was a small child. I knew decisions would come easier now and my direction would be clear. I felt free to be myself and knew I had a purpose. I did not just know I had a purpose; I knew what it was! It took a few years to connect all the pieces of myself that had been scattered about and pull myself into being. Reconnecting with the person I was meant to be and being congruent with my purpose opened up the doors to being able to express my deepest passions! A light had been turned on and I really loved what I saw! I knew it was that day looking for the “The Letter” and realizing it had all happened in the space inside of me and there was nothing I had yet to find,-- that was the beginning of my path to purpose and peace and feeling fully, unapologetically, proudly me! Thank you, Mom! Rest in peace! I love you!